Grief/Loss and Polyvagal Theory

Grief doesn’t just live in our thoughts; it settles into the nervous system. Through the lens of polyvagal theory, loss is not only an emotional event but a physiological one—a sudden rupture in safety that the body feels before the mind can make sense of it. When someone we love is gone, our nervous system often shifts out of its ventral vagal state of connection and ease. We might bounce into sympathetic activation—restless, anxious, searching—or collapse into dorsal vagal shutdown, where numbness, heaviness, and disconnection take over. None of this is weakness. It’s the body doing its best to survive a world that suddenly feels less safe.

Polyvagal theory reminds us that grief can look many ways because nervous systems adapt differently. The heart that aches may also race. The body that longs for comfort may also want to hide. This is neuroception at work—the unconscious scanning for cues of safety or danger—now recalibrating after loss. When the familiar voice, touch, or presence is gone, the nervous system keeps reaching for it, like a radio trying to tune into a station that no longer exists.

Healing in grief, then, is not about “moving on,” but about gently inviting safety back into the body. Small moments of co-regulation—a steady friend, a soft voice, music, warmth, even your own slow breath—can help the nervous system remember connection. Over time, these moments widen the window where grief and life can coexist. Polyvagal theory offers a quiet compassion here: your grief makes sense, your body is wise, and healing happens not by force, but through felt safety, one regulated moment at a time.