Making Changes
Don’t try to force change from a dysregulated nervous system. Create enough safety and regulation that your brain and body can tolerate doing something different.
A practical process looks like this:
1. Start with regulation, not the behavior
Before asking yourself to change, notice your current state:
Overactivated: anxious, rushed, angry, restless → slow down and settle.
Shutdown: numb, exhausted, disconnected, hopeless → gently increase energy and connection.
Regulated: curious, grounded, socially connected → this is often the best state for learning and experimenting.
Try 1–3 minutes of slow breathing, walking, stretching, humming, looking around your environment, or connecting with a safe person.
2. Make the change very small
Instead of:
“I need to completely change my life.”
Try:
“What is one thing I can do differently for five minutes?”
Your nervous system learns through repeated experiences, not through insight alone.
For example:
Want to exercise? Put on your shoes and walk for 5 minutes.
Want to speak up more? Say one honest sentence.
Want to stop procrastinating? Work for 10 minutes.
Want healthier relationships? Practice one small boundary.
3. Stay within your “window of tolerance”
Change becomes harder when you become overwhelmed or shut down.
Think of it as:
Safety → small challenge → recovery → repeat
You want enough challenge to create learning, but not so much that your system concludes, “This is dangerous; go back to the old pattern.”
4. Notice the old protective pattern without fighting it
Instead of saying:
“Why am I doing this again?”
Try:
“Something in me is trying to protect me. What does it think would happen if I changed?”
This shifts the goal from eliminating the response to understanding it.
5. Give your nervous system a new experience
Suppose you normally avoid conflict.
A new experience might be:
Old pattern: discomfort → anxiety → avoid
New experiment: discomfort → regulate → express one small preference → discover that you survived
That repeated experience can gradually make the new behavior feel safer and more natural.
6. Repeat rather than perfect
The goal isn't to remain regulated all the time.
It's:
notice → regulate → choose → act → recover → repeat
Over time, you're not simply thinking differently. You're giving your nervous system evidence that a different way of responding is possible.
One important caveat: polyvagal theory is influential in trauma-informed practice, but some of its specific biological claims remain scientifically debated. The practical ideas of regulation, gradual exposure, behavioral repetition, and social safety can still be useful without treating every polyvagal claim as established fact.
